Bad Llama

There is Hope, Yet

2005-08-02T16:38:00.000-06:00

Degree in air guitar

A student is studying for a degree in air guitar.

Amanda Griffiths is researching the craze for a PhD reports the Mirror.

The idea came about when she won an air guitar heat in Manchester in 2002 and was later asked to appear on Radio 4's Women's Hour.

Professor Sheila Whitely, Chair of Popular Music at Salford University, was also on the show and suggested she do a doctorate in air guitar to add to her Performing Arts degree.

She is due to travel to Finland later this month for the World Championships.

She said: "We were discussing why there were so few women involved, and the professor invited me to do research under her supervision."

Amanda will look at "codes of performance within the air guitar phenomenon."

[ANANOVA]

Totally awesome, dude.

Happy Friday

2005-07-29T14:10:00.000-06:00

"You Are A Star"

2005-07-27T08:50:00.000-06:00

Will it never end? Say what you will, but Paris really does put herself on the line by continuing to display her sisterly devotion by forever wearing one of these:

Like so:

Malignant Morphings

2005-07-26T15:39:00.000-06:00

Take 1:

Take 2:

Blind Item

2005-07-26T09:06:00.000-06:00

WHICH simple blonde shocked staff at a French nightclub by demanding thousands of pounds worth of free booze? The ligging lady in question was given short shrift, so she threw a huge tantrum.

Paris Hilton. Frolicking in St Tropez, bien sur. Note subtle inclusion of 'simple'.

Note To Paris: Wearing anything designed by Nikki Hilton will not obfuscate the failure of 'Chick'. Your efforts at sisterly support are, however, admirable.

...And Britney Trumps Them All

2005-07-25T17:00:00.000-06:00

There is nothing left to be said.

Being Barefoot: Take 1

2005-07-25T08:27:00.000-06:00

Nothing says 'boho chic' like a pair of calice-ridden, dirt-covered feet.

The unsanitary trend starts with Sienna Miller.

Continues with Nicole Richie.

And ends, most horrifyingly, with scruffy, erstwhile porno stud Colin Farrell. (Thus reaching an unnatural conclusion)

Brad Pitt: Living On The Edge

2005-07-22T11:05:00.000-06:00

On the day I was born, the nurses all gathered 'round
And they gazed in wide wonder, at the joy they had found
The head nurse spoke up, and she said leave this one alone
She could tell right away, that I was bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bad to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-B-Bad
Bad to the bone

I broke a thousand hearts, before I met you
I'll break a thousand more baby, before I am through
I wanna be yours pretty baby, yours and yours alone
I'm here to tell ya honey, that I'm bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-Bad
Bad to the bone

I make a rich woman beg, I'll make a good woman steal
I'll make an old woman blush, and make a young woman squeal
I wanna be yours pretty baby, yours and yours alone
I'm here to tell ya honey, that I'm bad to the bone
B-B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-B-Bad
B-B-B-B-Bad
Bad to the bone

Mystic Tan: Take 1

2005-07-22T10:55:00.000-06:00

Fake Bake* pregnancies are so hot.

The Lesser Half

2005-07-20T15:38:00.000-06:00

Dear Ms Hilton,

I regret to inform you that you are not, in fact, 'hot'. No amount of airbrushing can change this.

Sexy poses will not obliterate the memory of Chick's failures. Your creations speak for themselves.

Love, A Fan.

Hypocrite Of The Year Award

2005-07-19T16:37:00.000-06:00

"I do have a obligation to think about people from different backgrounds but who share the same philosophy -- people who will not legislate from the bench...that's what I told the people when I ran for president." - George W Bush

Paris Hilton, Served

2005-07-15T14:38:00.000-06:00

And not by John McEnroe.

With her own personal empire well on its way to rivalling that of her famous family's, Paris Hilton is used to getting what she wants. It seems the blonde bombshell will have to give up on her dream of getting married in the same place as Princess Diana, though, because officials in London have ruled her ineligible.

Paris has made no secret of her desire to walk down the aisle with namesake Paris Latsis in the historic environs of Britain's most important cathedral. "I've got my heart set on a ceremony in St Paul's," she declared recently. "I've always wanted to be a princess on my big day and only a wedding in England could make that happen."

Those in charge of the magnificent baroque church, which is one of the most celebrated features of London's skyline, say they will be unable to accommodate the glamorous 24-year-old, however. "Only royalty can marry on the cathedral floor," affirmed a representative. "You can't buy your way in, no matter how rich you are."

The news will come of something of a blow to the love-struck heiress, but it is unlikely to put a dampener on her blossoming romance. At the moment she is holidaying with her fiance in his Greek homeland and it appears she is much taken with the Mediterranean country. "Paris won't be getting married in Britain," confirmed her spokesman. "She's currently in Greece and it looks like it will be happening there." [HELLO!]

The Filth Of Colin

2005-07-15T14:32:00.000-06:00

I feel prematurely filthy. And yet, this is a delight co-mingling with curious anticipation, disgust, excitement, and anxiety.

This could only mean one thing:

July 15, 2005 -- IF you liked the Paris Hilton-Rick Salomon sex tape, you'd love the Colin Farrell-Nicole Narain homemade porn video — if it ever gets released.

A man who identified himself only as J.J. called PAGE SIX a few days ago for advice on selling what he says is an authentic, 14-minute sex tape, but admitted he didn't have model releases from either "Alexander" star Farrell or the Playboy Playmate who briefly dated him two years ago.

J.J. described the steamy tape in graphic detail, starting with a naked Nicole in her living room turning on some music, and ending with Farrell pointing the camera at her white cat in the corner of the room and saying, "Baby, you have the most beautiful [kitty]."

In between, Narain, who was Miss January in 2002, displays her pierced tongue as she looks up at the camera and winks. And Farrell, who had a shaved head for his role in "Daredevil," reciprocates, saying, "I could do this breakfast, lunch and dinner."

Narain, who has a tattoo on her backside, also goes through a couple of sexual positions described in the Kama Sutra, starting with "the missionary."

"The sellers are supposedly looking for a seven-figure upfront fee to hand over the tape for release by a distributor," defamer.com reported Wednesday. "Even if someone was willing to pony up the money . . . they couldn't release it without Farrell's permission."

Detailed calls to Farrell's publicist at PMK/HBH, Danica Smith, were not returned. And Narain couldn't be reached, although a Playboy spokesman shrugged, "We know she dated him."

The only thing better than Page Six is Page Six, circa 2001. Can we bottle that?

OMG! Celebrity Poem

2005-07-15T13:58:00.000-06:00

ODE TO LOHAN

The cowboy-boot wearing dilettante sniffs, black
Amex demands use. Shoot,
Crash, Peroxide until
(There's
....None
.......Left)
It's all a little Kitson!

Boho Gone Wrong

2005-07-14T15:53:00.000-06:00

Alas, Poor The Meesh.

A Sad Day

2005-07-13T14:07:00.000-06:00

Lindsay and Nicole? Too skinny.

Kelly O? Too fat.

The public is unhappy no matter your size. But it's nice to think some surgery can change that.

A dire day for one whom many saw as inspiration to those eschewing the Scarface diet for something a little healthier.

Kelly Osbourne has revealed that when the time comes, she will be 'sucked and tucked'.

The 21-year-old has recently come out of rehab after depression following unkind comments about her body.

Kelly went into therapy after jibes about her voluptuous figure finally got to her, as her mum Sharon confirmed:

"Essentially, Kelly had a breakdown because of her weight. They've always made fun of the way she looked. But this time, it was worse, and she could take it no more."

But now out of rehab, Kelly is determined to love her body, even if that means she has to indulge in a bit of surgery, according to Closer magazine.

'I don't think anyone is completely happy with the way they look,' she said.

'But I don't hate myself.'

'When I get older, I'm getting sucked and tucked. Look at my mother for God's sake! She looks fabulous and, if she can do it, why can't I?'

Courtesy of Ananova.

Dear Young Hollywood

2005-07-07T14:50:00.000-06:00

Why has the allure of Jared Leto so smitten you?

Cameron Diaz? Scarlet Johannson? And now, Ashley Olsen?

This man holds a secret. Does his mid-nineties role as Jordan Catalano truly continue to hold an emotive power over females everywhere? His list of conquered beauties is long, his accomplishments - short.

Wherefore Jared? Wherefore?

Hot Or Not?

Not Hot - a poorly coiffed my little pony. very white trash couture.
Not Hot - a vacant stare, stubble, and cowlick.
Almost Hot - exuding a near Jake Gyllenhaal cuteness. maybe.

Olsen Twins

2005-07-07T12:01:00.000-06:00

They're billionaires, so naturally, they're fashion icons. You want to be fashionable, don't you? Try your hand at hobo chic, a variation of boho chic, popularized by the pint-sized Olsen Twins.

oversized sunglasses - used primarily to obscure the eyes of a crackfiend, oversized sunglasses convey an image of decadent absurdity
oversized, flowing tops - if your body shape/size is evident, you've not gone big enough
dirty hair - use styling products for that authentic, shower-free homeless look
grandfather cardigans - think kurt cobain, and order several sizes up
extra large coffee - a state of constant caffeine-induced nervoud energy is necessary to complete your look

And remember, if it looks store-bought, try again! Hobo Chic doesn't come cheap - best accesorized by a Balenciaga bag!

For further advice, consult your local city park.

Mariah vs Whitney

2005-07-06T11:42:00.000-06:00

Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston have both been approached as possible judges on the next installment of American Idol. Being the helpful hand that I am, I have volunteered my services in devising the pros and cons to these choices.

Mariah Carey

Pros

talent - five octaves. five.
looks - ignore the chipmunk face, she's got a great body.
fashion - she's done tearing designer gowns apart, thanks to andre talley.

Cons

diva behavior - she's just too cool for parmesean cheese. her riders are a thing of legend - can the show support such reckless expenditure?
ego - would undoubtedly fail to recognize simon cowell's pervasive genius.

Whitney Houston

Pros

talent - sung backup for Chaka Khan. which almost makes up for the whole 'I Will Always Love You' thing.
looks - hankie on head and oversized sunglasses make for glamorous, yet suspicious, television.
fashion - see above.
drugs - the excitement of downing painkillers with jesus juice is nothing compared to the barely contained hysteria of crack smoking.

Cons

drugs - another stint in rehab could leave the show with just two judges.
bobby brown - uh, she's married to bobby brown.

Temptation

2005-07-05T16:44:00.000-06:00

Hello, my name is Jessica Simpson.

I 'pretend' to be stupid.

My father is obsessed with my boobs.

My mouth is very wide.

I frequently use self-tanning lotion.

Eat Me.

Magic 8-Ball Says: 'As I see it, Yes'

Trendsetters: Reproduction

2005-07-05T10:32:00.000-06:00

As you might know, pregnancy is the latest Hollywood trend. And who would have guessed that the frappuccino-guzzling Britney Spears would have jumpstarted such a move?

Garfleck followed suit, rumours have the imperious J-Lo and the disgustingly beautiful Brangelina doing the same. However much we'd like to forget, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are undoubtedly expecting - their spawn a product of Moore's $400,000 plastic surgery. (Would the young whippersnapper have become so enamored otherwise?)

Which begs the question - who's next? I suggest several pairings.

Paris & Paris - A wealthy, Guns 'N' Roses - loving spawn, clad in Nikki Hilton-designed clothing, the Dior Demon Child will undoubtedly share its parents' moniker, destined for a pained, yet fascinatingly unusual celebrity.
Nicole Ritchie & DJ AM - Putting Nicole back on top of the 100 pound mark. And the size 2. (There's no better way to get a girl healthy than to knock her up)
Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey - Because the tabloids need fodder, and the Lacheys are always entertaining, however little evolutionary success such an IQ-challenged pairing might bring.

The Evolution Of Kathy Hilton

2005-07-01T13:19:00.000-06:00

The Hilton media blitz is never-ending - from the engagement of the Parises, to the break with BFF Nicole Ritchie, or the over-eager appearances on red carpets everywhere, the Hilton name is inescapable.

And now, when you thought their five minutes were nearly over, appears another Hilton - Kathy, Paris and Nikki's mom. From the days of Paris' limited New York City celebrity, Kathy has been trying to get involved. Years later, the Hilton matriarch has succeeded. But was she planning this all along?

The answer is, undeniably, yes. We all know of the stage mom, preening her youth for the celebrity she, secretly, dreams of. But where Kathy Hilton differs is the goal of this preening. Tabloid whoredom.

In 2000, Paris became a regular fixture on the New York social scene. Page Six had a trademark on all things Hilton, her name known to few save avid readers of David Patrick Columbia's 'New York Social Diary' - long before the appearance of a saucy sex tape and a surprisingly successful 'Simple Life'.

But, for those of us following Paris' path for the last five years, Kathy's involvement has always been questioned. Photographic evidence - delineated (in chronological order) below - demonstrates the veracity of our unnerving hypothesis.

As the timeline clearly shows, Kathy's style has changed significantly as her daughter's star has risen. Going from the society matriarch of 2003, to the tanned, hip momma of 2005 - note the fashionable 'boho' tunic and company of young, attractive men - Kathy has transformed utterly. And her desire to be Paris doesn't end there (Please, don't let there be a One Night With Rick and Kathy Hilton).

Momma Hilton now has her very own reality show - 'I Want To Be A Hilton'. It's a simple premise: we all hate Paris, but we hate her because, at the end of the day, we really want to be her. While that might be true - I myself am guilty of such grotesque duality - there are other reasons for Paris obsession.

Self-Ironic Comedy
Clever Catchphrase
Sense Of Horror/Elation
'That's Hot'

Having established this, The show has proven a failure - only 6.8 million viewers tuned into the show's premier, a verifiable failure. Kathy's moment as Paris has come and gone, only it never came to begin with.

Changes

2005-06-30T13:53:00.000-06:00

I have renvisioned 'Bad Llama' as a quasi-ironic gesture.

Expect the eccentric.
And the unecessary.

Like Lindsay Lohan - if she were Mary-Kate Olsen - channeling Winston Churchill whilst drinking Crystal Pepsi somewhere in Rio De Janeiro.

God, Hobo Chic is sexy.

All previous entries have been 'fired' (thank you, Mr Trump).