//Bad Llama\\



7.7.05

Dear Young Hollywood

Why has the allure of Jared Leto so smitten you?

Cameron Diaz? Scarlet Johannson? And now, Ashley Olsen?

This man holds a secret. Does his mid-nineties role as Jordan Catalano truly continue to hold an emotive power over females everywhere? His list of conquered beauties is long, his accomplishments - short.

Wherefore Jared? Wherefore?

Hot Or Not?
  • Not Hot - a poorly coiffed my little pony. very white trash couture.
  • Not Hot - a vacant stare, stubble, and cowlick.
  • Almost Hot - exuding a near Jake Gyllenhaal cuteness. maybe.


Olsen Twins

They're billionaires, so naturally, they're fashion icons. You want to be fashionable, don't you? Try your hand at hobo chic, a variation of boho chic, popularized by the pint-sized Olsen Twins.
  1. oversized sunglasses - used primarily to obscure the eyes of a crackfiend, oversized sunglasses convey an image of decadent absurdity
  2. oversized, flowing tops - if your body shape/size is evident, you've not gone big enough
  3. dirty hair - use styling products for that authentic, shower-free homeless look
  4. grandfather cardigans - think kurt cobain, and order several sizes up
  5. extra large coffee - a state of constant caffeine-induced nervoud energy is necessary to complete your look
And remember, if it looks store-bought, try again! Hobo Chic doesn't come cheap - best accesorized by a Balenciaga bag!

For further advice, consult your local city park.


6.7.05

Mariah vs Whitney

Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston have both been approached as possible judges on the next installment of American Idol. Being the helpful hand that I am, I have volunteered my services in devising the pros and cons to these choices.

Mariah Carey

Pros
  • talent - five octaves. five.
  • looks - ignore the chipmunk face, she's got a great body.
  • fashion - she's done tearing designer gowns apart, thanks to andre talley.
Cons
  • diva behavior - she's just too cool for parmesean cheese. her riders are a thing of legend - can the show support such reckless expenditure?
  • ego - would undoubtedly fail to recognize simon cowell's pervasive genius.
Whitney Houston

Pros
  • talent - sung backup for Chaka Khan. which almost makes up for the whole 'I Will Always Love You' thing.
  • looks - hankie on head and oversized sunglasses make for glamorous, yet suspicious, television.
  • fashion - see above.
  • drugs - the excitement of downing painkillers with jesus juice is nothing compared to the barely contained hysteria of crack smoking.
Cons
  • drugs - another stint in rehab could leave the show with just two judges.
  • bobby brown - uh, she's married to bobby brown.


5.7.05

Temptation



Hello, my name is Jessica Simpson.

I 'pretend' to be stupid.

My father is obsessed with my boobs.

My mouth is very wide.

I frequently use self-tanning lotion.

Eat Me.

Magic 8-Ball Says: 'As I see it, Yes'


Trendsetters: Reproduction

As you might know, pregnancy is the latest Hollywood trend. And who would have guessed that the frappuccino-guzzling Britney Spears would have jumpstarted such a move?

Garfleck followed suit, rumours have the imperious J-Lo and the disgustingly beautiful Brangelina doing the same. However much we'd like to forget, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are undoubtedly expecting - their spawn a product of Moore's $400,000 plastic surgery. (Would the young whippersnapper have become so enamored otherwise?)

Which begs the question - who's next? I suggest several pairings.
  1. Paris & Paris - A wealthy, Guns 'N' Roses - loving spawn, clad in Nikki Hilton-designed clothing, the Dior Demon Child will undoubtedly share its parents' moniker, destined for a pained, yet fascinatingly unusual celebrity.
  2. Nicole Ritchie & DJ AM - Putting Nicole back on top of the 100 pound mark. And the size 2. (There's no better way to get a girl healthy than to knock her up)
  3. Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey - Because the tabloids need fodder, and the Lacheys are always entertaining, however little evolutionary success such an IQ-challenged pairing might bring.






















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